All We Are Saying is Give Courage a Chance Or, Break Free of Old Sexual Pain

If you think elephants never forget, consider all the things your body remembers. It remembers that you like ice cream, how to hear and see and how to feel excited, how to ride a bike, and what the tingling sensations of being in love are like-even if you haven’t eaten ice cream, ridden a bike, or felt the least bit interested in romance for a decade. Ask anybody’s body what its repertoire of good feelings includes and it will give you a long list.

But bodies also recall what it is like to not have a good feeling. Chests tighten with the disappointment of being picked last for anything in elementary school. Romantic rejection brings on that familiar knot in stomachs everywhere. Too many bodies are burdened with remembering sexual pain, including what it is like to not have an orgasm during sex A high percentage of those bodies only have to think back as far as, say, yesterday afternoon.

According to my professional ancestors, the great sages and physicians of traditional Chinese medicine, trauma lives in the body’s memory. When you have an accident or injury, your body remembers it. Years later you will not run into the street after that softball because when you were six you broke six bones when a car hit you doing just that. We do not stick our fingers into a socket too many times, either. Bodies use their trauma response to protect us.

Emotional trauma registers the same way. If you were ever robbed in a park, it is unlikely that you will happily re-enter that park at a later date. If you got jilted by your lover while wearing a particular dress or suit, you may have to push yourself to wear it again a few weeks later. Trauma’s protective mechanism is strong.

Sexual trauma comes in many forms including rape, incest, and molestation. But the body also senses more subtle sexual trauma. If your beloved has harshly rejected your erotic advances or if you spent hours planning an unappreciated date, hairstyle or dinner, you know that your identity as a sexual man or woman senses assault. Worse yet, if your own body betrays you and will not finish the sexual act with a climax, the powerlessness and fear that surface can create seemingly insurmountable trauma.

Unfortunately, if any trauma isn’t healed, be it physical or emotional, it keeps sinking deeper into the body, building up over the course of a lifetime. Here is a simple way to understand this process. Perhaps you had a sports injury in high school or college. You healed and, upon thorough examination, the tissue appeared to be restored. For twenty or thirty years everything was fine. But eventually your tennis elbow showed up again as arthritis, and that knee sprain you forgot came back as chronic tendonitis. Though the tissue healed, the trauma continued to sink into your body like a burn, showing up decades later at a much deeper level. This is why, as an acupuncturist and herbalist, I treat both the injury and the body’s trauma response to the injury. Treating the trauma takes much longer than does addressing the pain or swelling or tissue damage. Sexual trauma accumulates over time and expresses itself at a deep level of the psyche as well.

I was speaking to one of my Healing Retreats & Spas readers recently; “Ellen” was concerned with a sentence in one of my columns. In discussing a woman’s full orgasmic potential, I wrote that during female ejaculation women can squirt fluid “further than an elementary school drinking fountain.” I used the playful metaphor of a drinking fountain because so many of us squirted our friends and had water fights with them. Ellen didn’t appreciate the levity, however. “This line brings sex down to something course and mundane,” she said. “You are cheapening the act and eliminating the sacredness” of sex.

Ellen has been happily married for a two decades. Her husband is a wonderful, loving, and highly sexual man whose interests have not strayed from her. But she was raped as a teenager and no matter what therapy, exercises, discussions, or amount of patience she utilizes, she cannot have an orgasm. Her body’s memory of the act is so filled with trauma that immersing herself in sexual pleasure beyond her own control is too frightening. Pile on top of this Ellen’s deep pain at spending her entire adult life “frigid” and you have a deep wound. Ellen has developed many coping mechanisms to deal with this unsolvable problem; the mechanism that influenced her view of my article was her need to see sex as sacred. For Ellen, anything that brings sex down toward the realities of life brings her too close to her pain. If sex is not elegant and spiritual-if it’s just hot, lustful, and animalistic-it loses its holiness for her, even when shared with a beloved.

Kylie’s sexual attitude was far less challenging, though still formed by unhealed trauma. She began having sex as a teenager. Having no exposure to healthy sex education, neither she nor her young lovers had any idea how to touch her in a pleasing way. For almost a decade she thought something was wrong with her because she did not enjoy sex. As she and her lovers became more experienced her pleasure increased, yet even though she currently enjoys semi-regular orgasms with her partner, her mind often slips into feeling frightened that something is wrong with her and that she will not have an orgasm no matter how hard she tries. Her body holds the trauma of having had no education on this important subject.

As he began his sex life, Justin was unlucky enough to find several unsupportive sexual partners. He was severely criticized for his lack of control and, over time, worked so hard to postpone orgasm that he eliminated it altogether. Now, no matter how safe he feels with his wife, it is still very hard for him to let go of control and reach orgasm. His trauma still equates orgasm with failure.

Can trauma be healed? Absolutely! Might you or your beloved be the only ones plagued with it? No. A majority of people experience erotic difficulties due to negative body memories. The trick is to persevere in finding a solution. You are not sick or wrong or broken; your body just needs you to release your pain to make more room for love.
HEALING SEXUAL TRAUMA

Don’t fake orgasms. (This goes for the guys, too.) You are lying to yourself and your beloved. True intimacy begins with honesty. Healing requires self-respect. Let your lover get over the ego blow and get on with helping the two of you find solutions together.
Do talk or write about the feelings that come up for you when you experience sexual trauma. If you have never put your feelings into words, this step can be very helpful at cutting vague but overwhelming fears down to size. Journal writing or speaking with your lover or safe friend can also be very helpful.
Don’t push pain down-let it out. Sexual trauma often comes up during the sexual act. If excitement turns to fear, express your negative feelings. Your ability to be loving and vulnerable will return, enhanced, after you have expressed the pain inside. Remember: love brings up everything unlike itself to be healed.
Don’t blame your partner for unsatisfying sexual exchanges that you have permitted. If you are not being touched or cared for as you would like, it is your job to lovingly teach your partner how to please you. Let your power come back to you. Speak your truth.
Do consider psychotherapy to help you develop new skills for overcoming bodily fear. Therapeutic techniques that incorporate movement and breathing exercises may be especially helpful.
Do get a massage. Some bodyworkers and massage therapists specialize in releasing emotions from the body. Try receiving this kind of massage for at least four sessions before evaluating your success.
Do try traditional Chinese medicine. Acupuncture, herbs, dietary therapy, and meditation/exercise are the four primary modalities that can be used to help you heal painful body memories. Psychological pain living in the body can be successfully addressed.

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