It is not considered good etiquette to openly acknowledge the association between sex and money. You may need to grab hold of your independent streak to continue reading. If your mind is completely closed to the idea of money as an aphrodisiac, expect to get ticked off.

I believe there are three forces that run our lives, bottom-line influences that determine our experience on earth. The first is sex. It brings us into life. Without it, we wouldn’t be here, so there isn’t much to talk about (and nobody to talk about it with) if this one isn’t happening.

The second is money. As I see it, money, or the lack of it, defines the nature and likelihood of our survival once we’re born. Does a limo bring you from the hospital to a safe, protected home, or are you born into a family that can’t afford to feed you? Education, long-term health, the environment we provide for our children, whether we travel, live our passions, marry, or influence the course of human events are all affected by the money we do or do not have. More money does not necessarily equate with stronger personal character or an easier time in life. But whatever side of the dollar bill you live on determines your view.

The third force, as I see it, is collective thought. The underlying belief systems and values that we maintain depend upon the political, social, psychological, and environmental notions of the day. No man is an island and no mind remains uninfluenced by others. This is why the line from Rudyard Kipling’s poem If . . ., “If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs,” has staying power: because it’s hard to do. Rebelling against the ideologues of the day makes you a Joan of Arc, a Hugh Hefner, a Nelson Rockefeller, or a Martin Luther King, Jr. Your life becomes extremely difficult until enough people buy your ideology and make it theirs.

Now what is most interesting about these three forces is how we react to them. Both the highly sexual and the celibate are generally looked upon as odd. The wealthy and the poor are criticized by the poor, the wealthy, and everyone in between. And how many great thinkers have been bashed by everybody from the media to their baby brothers? We love to be around powerful people and then we love to throw spears at their backs. What are their lives really like? Robin Leach has become one of the rich and famous by creating a television show that answers all our questions about the rich and famous. We wonder, and our wondering defines their power.

By merging these three forces together you get even more power. Power is a great aphrodisiac and money is all-powerful, so they go together like the cream and the cookie in an Oreo. Cultures throughout history have hooked them up, from dating to dowries to divorce settlements.

Take the dog-ugly rich guy. How long is he going to be dateless if he makes even a modest effort? A man will hunt down a woman who is as sexually attractive as his wallet will allow. A woman will go for a man who is as wealthy as her looks can get her. Of course, the opposite is also true. As independent women develop independent means, they manage to find all those magnificently chiseled starving artists, turning them into stay-at-home fathers. If a woman already has her money, she can use it to find and hold onto the best-looking guy she can get. (Now remember, women have odd tastes. A guy can be a real dog and look good to the right girl; it’s her opinion that counts.)

Chinese medicine backs up the “great forces” premise. According to Traditional Chinese Medicine, the essential energy of life lives in the kidneys. Underlying constitutional strength, all sexual and reproductive functions, stamina, skeletal structure, hearing, memory, and the central nervous system (reflex capabilities) are all maintained by the kidney chi. In our culture, the aging process is best defined by kidney-related symptoms: hearing loss, memory loss, bone fragility, a lessening of sexual interest and ability, lack of fertility, and slower sensory reaction time as dictated by the efficiency of the brain and spinal cord.

Sex is run by the kidneys and the kidneys are responsible for the quality of our inherited life force. They run the sexuality, or congenital bank account for survival. Because sex and survival (i.e., sex and money) are so closely linked in our essential nature, it is more easily grasped how they naturally link up in our abilities to attract and maintain relationships.

Want great sex tonight? Spend money today! If you think it is unwise to use one to attract the other, you are wrong. It works! Sex and money work because they are integrated as one organ in your body. Your ideology or “political correctness” may prevent you from doing something positive for yourself by using money to inspire sex and vice versa, but remember, nothing great ever happened by joining the silent majority. You, too, can think like one of the great rebels. Go for broke! Create your own sociological trend. Spend money, make your lover happy, get a good thing going tonight.

When you are madly in lust or basking in afterglow, spending money on your lover is easy. It feels natural. Once you experience the thrill of buying and receiving gifts, the practical and the pleasurable, your heart will be more open and sex will come naturally.

The quantity of money or sex is not the issue here. Sometimes just sexual innuendo is enough to inspire a beloved to spend. Or a little gift at just the right moment will allow her to open herself to you with excitement rather than fear. Is this being manipulative? Not if you’re sincere. Two options I frequently give my patients are either to be right or to be close to each other. Sometimes the criteria by which actions are judged appear politically correct, yet they actually create distance between lovers. If you insist that sex not be financially inspired, or that money not flow in your direction due to sexual favors, you may believe you are “right.” But you will sleep by yourself tonight.

Instead, why not take advantage of the merging of great ideas shared over a beautiful gift with a hungry lover? It isn’t the quantity you spend that counts, it’s that you spent anything. Buy him dinner if you love him. Or a bottle of massage oil. You don’t need a college degree to figure out how to use it sensually and creatively. Get her a lipstick color that you want to kiss off. Smear that stuff on her juicy lips and create a whole new ritual between you. Spend the dollars, relish your lust, feel the yearning, and enjoy the passion. Use all the tools you have at your disposal; free yourself from a life of quiet desperation. These most basic forces are driving us whether we take notice or not, and it’s far easier to spend money on a beloved than it is to rebound from a betrayal, speak with brutal honesty, or recover from plastic surgery.

And in the end, what is more important? Joy, passion, enthusiasm, excitement, innocent fun, and heightened feelings of love, or the knowledge that you are being socially correct? It doesn’t matter which generation you belong to, let go of your inhibitions and stigmas. Let them go and luxuriate in the truth of human nature. Act on that mischievous thought-tease and flirt and spend and buy. Better orgasms may depend on it!

Want Great Sex Tonight? Spend Money Today! Who says you have to be a millionaire to buy your lover romantic gifts? Not us. Cheap and easy never looked so good.

What to Buy Him

* Old-fashioned shaving cream and a gift certificate for the sexiest shave of his life
* Long, colorful ribbons that he can tie on you anywhere
* A bikini, belly dancing outfit, or piece of lingerie that he gets to take off you however he likes
* A cologne that will make you crazy if he wears it
* Handcuffs
* A fine port wine to sprinkle on his lips and lick off
* Temporary tattoos for that tribal look
* A picnic to be eaten on the bed
* Beautiful panties that you wear for a day and then leave at his house
* Body glitter
* Tinted light bulbs
* A music CD to “do it” by
* Flowers-he’ll never expect them

What to Buy Her

* Feathers that vary in shape and texture
* Aromatherapy oils for her bath
* Scented candles for the bedroom
* Girlie-smelling lotion to rub all over her
* Something she has told you she wants to buy for herself but hasn’t yet
* A card on which you have written a funny, loving, or meaningful poem or quote
* A fancy pen that inspires her to think of you when you’re not together
* A bagful of rose petals to sprinkle over her
* Romantic or erotic videos
* Nail polish-and then paint her toenails yourself

What Never to Buy Her

* Lingerie (”Oh, darling, I always wanted a fuchsia-and-aqua teddy with lacy nipple holes and a slit up the butt.”)

What Never to Buy Him

* A penis-enlarging machine (”Oh, petunia, you are so sensitive to my needs!”)

Once upon a time, love letters were written by hand with quill pens and tree bark ink. Warm-hearted reflections were painstakingly written out, pressed between blossoms, and sealed with kisses.

Today we have e-mail.

Since lovers are as skilled (or unskilled) as ever, the transition from parchment to paper to phone line should be easy. Not so. Couples are blowing love affairs everywhere. This new medium has us all a fuddle.

Ethan finally found a sweetheart. While his friends had long since settled, split up, and settled again, Ethan was busy climbing the corporate ladder. Now he was sitting on a rung that allowed him a view: first he saw enough of an investment portfolio to handle the expenses of a family. Then he saw Cassidy.

The hottest thing since last August, Cassidy lived a mere hour away by plane. Able to work from her laptop, she could easily visit him. Ethan had enough independence to do the same. When either was stranded in a drab hotel room, there was always e-mail. Ethan was as happy as a pig in slop.

They began a lovely affair, slowly blending their lives and schedules. She liked her eggs fried, he preferred tofu. They found great restaurants in both hometowns, learned to make love on the beach without getting sand in the wrong places, and met each other’s friends. It was not fairytale perfect. It was real. And real was just fine.

But a rift began developing under the surface. The breaks between visits became fertile ground for hostility. Ethan did not understand why Cassidy should be growing short-tempered or labeling him controlling and chauvinistic. He limped into my office confused, ticked off, and ready to bail. After a lengthy discussion, I detected e-mail snafus.

Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) teaches that romance is an art form dependent upon words. However, e-mail is not letter writing or conversation but something in between. We write e-mail as if conversing. Even the right words can break your heart if this medium is poorly utilized: Sharp Tongues Pierce the Heart.

The mouth is related to two internal organs in TCM: the heart and spleen (which represents digestion). It serves two purposes in the context of love. The tongue and words it forms open or close the heart to love. Rough or callous words, while not as toxic as the wrong medication, are poison to your heart. While doctors do not consider heartache a medical condition, everyone who has been through it knows it wounds deeply and takes a long time to heal.

The mouth also opens to sustenance from the outside world: food and drink. One’s ability to absorb nourishment – informational, emotional, spiritual, or nutritional – depends on digestive strength. What comes out of our mouths reflects what we are able to absorb and digest from our surroundings and our relationships. Therefore, what you speak reflects what you’ve taken in.

Ethan (who is as attached to his laptop as he is to certain anatomical appendages) pulled up the e-mails he had written his goddess. They were laced together in the conversational flow he used when supporting her face-to-face. “Do not ask for another raise already. You appear arrogant,” he wrote. While the words looked authoritarian, in discussion he used them with other tools to inspire her to look at the issues. Were he and Cassidy together, other aspects of communication would soften those same words and the conversation would become nourishing. But on their own, Ethan’s words did not effectively communicate his warmth.

Four tools are used to get points across in conversation: 1. body language and positioning 2. eye contact and facial expression 3. vocal inflection and intonation 4. words

Words are the least relevant. Of the four tools available to get Ethan’s sentiments across, the three containing the greatest percentage of the message were not on the page. Because he wrote in the language he spoke, Cassidy did not understand he was trying to be supportive. His goal was to urge her to agree or disagree with him and thus come to her own conclusion. She thought he was being a controlling jerk. Then Ethan looked at things she had written him and realized that some of the hurt he felt by her e-mails was caused by the same misunderstanding.

“I’ve experienced none of the problems you’ve mentioned with my friends via e-mail,” Ethan stated emphatically. “I guess we already know each other and how to take statements as they’re intended. Cassidy and I are having problems because we’re trying to get acquainted. That’s why I like the playful side of e-mails. When we’re playful, I’m open. When she gets serious, I feel defensive. Her questioning and suggestions may just as well be probing and demanding. I guess we both feel like that.” Don’t ya love when guys get it?

Not conversing, not letter writing. E-mail leaves much too much room for misinterpretation.

E-mail was designed to send short, information-based messages in business, academic, and government contexts. It can’t tarnish data. But if you delve into personal, intimate subjects, be careful.

The heart is a delicate place. Tread lightly. Use e-mail to speak of colors, textures, and sentiments. Be kind and gentle to one another in this domain. And in the end, the love you make is equal to the love you write.

E-mail Love Letter Guidelines

1. Write with the formality of a letter. Compose more carefully than you think you need to.
2. Wait before sending your letter. Put it in a word processing file, then re-read it at least once before you send it.
3. Begin by stating what you intend your lover to feel when reading the letter. Acknowledge that if they respond differently, the medium or your writing skill may be at fault. For example, “I want this letter to relieve your mind and to help you feel hopeful. If you don’t feel that way, I did not say things right.”
4. If you think a statement might be misconstrued or interpreted negatively, include another to explain it or soften it. Otherwise, leave it out. Words sound much stronger when left to their own devices. Even saying that you do not like something can appear harsh on a computer screen.
5. Start sentences with positive and endearing phrases such as: “I thought of you today when I did my laundry because your panties were right on top of the pile.” Or “I am grateful to have you in my life today because no matter how bad things are, I have thoughts of you to make me smile.” (Get a little mushy. It works.)
6. E-mail misunderstandings can blow up like grenades: you get hurt, write about it, and wait for a response before feeling resolution. Damage compounds over time and hurt feelings can escalate into all-out, flaming e-mail fights. Solution: be light and loving. Say the heavy stuff to her pretty face.
7. If, upon receiving your e-mail, your beloved is ready to buy a one way ticket to anywhere away from you, apologize! Take responsibility for screwing up. Do not let e-mail mishaps infiltrate your love. Use these mistakes to help you respect words and use them more effectively.
8. You don’t know the receiver’s state of mind when he reads your letter. Always write as if he is at his most stressed. This will make your letters upbeat, supportive, and a joy to receive.
9. Keep the above points in mind when reading e-mail. Your beloved may be communicating concern, while you’re bristling at feeling overly vulnerable or taken advantage of. Assume her intention is to be loving. Give the benefit of the doubt and ask for clarity if you do not understand a point.
10. Use this medium to accentuate loving feelings between you. Regard it as an opportunity to seduce, inspire, and motivate. Because you can build or destroy trust quickly with e-mail, go for the win?win. No one ever gets tired of true appreciation and e-mail can convey your joy beautifully.