The New Language of Love

Once upon a time, love letters were written by hand with quill pens and tree bark ink. Warm-hearted reflections were painstakingly written out, pressed between blossoms, and sealed with kisses.

Today we have e-mail.

Since lovers are as skilled (or unskilled) as ever, the transition from parchment to paper to phone line should be easy. Not so. Couples are blowing love affairs everywhere. This new medium has us all a fuddle.

Ethan finally found a sweetheart. While his friends had long since settled, split up, and settled again, Ethan was busy climbing the corporate ladder. Now he was sitting on a rung that allowed him a view: first he saw enough of an investment portfolio to handle the expenses of a family. Then he saw Cassidy.

The hottest thing since last August, Cassidy lived a mere hour away by plane. Able to work from her laptop, she could easily visit him. Ethan had enough independence to do the same. When either was stranded in a drab hotel room, there was always e-mail. Ethan was as happy as a pig in slop.

They began a lovely affair, slowly blending their lives and schedules. She liked her eggs fried, he preferred tofu. They found great restaurants in both hometowns, learned to make love on the beach without getting sand in the wrong places, and met each other’s friends. It was not fairytale perfect. It was real. And real was just fine.

But a rift began developing under the surface. The breaks between visits became fertile ground for hostility. Ethan did not understand why Cassidy should be growing short-tempered or labeling him controlling and chauvinistic. He limped into my office confused, ticked off, and ready to bail. After a lengthy discussion, I detected e-mail snafus.

Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) teaches that romance is an art form dependent upon words. However, e-mail is not letter writing or conversation but something in between. We write e-mail as if conversing. Even the right words can break your heart if this medium is poorly utilized: Sharp Tongues Pierce the Heart.

The mouth is related to two internal organs in TCM: the heart and spleen (which represents digestion). It serves two purposes in the context of love. The tongue and words it forms open or close the heart to love. Rough or callous words, while not as toxic as the wrong medication, are poison to your heart. While doctors do not consider heartache a medical condition, everyone who has been through it knows it wounds deeply and takes a long time to heal.

The mouth also opens to sustenance from the outside world: food and drink. One’s ability to absorb nourishment – informational, emotional, spiritual, or nutritional – depends on digestive strength. What comes out of our mouths reflects what we are able to absorb and digest from our surroundings and our relationships. Therefore, what you speak reflects what you’ve taken in.

Ethan (who is as attached to his laptop as he is to certain anatomical appendages) pulled up the e-mails he had written his goddess. They were laced together in the conversational flow he used when supporting her face-to-face. “Do not ask for another raise already. You appear arrogant,” he wrote. While the words looked authoritarian, in discussion he used them with other tools to inspire her to look at the issues. Were he and Cassidy together, other aspects of communication would soften those same words and the conversation would become nourishing. But on their own, Ethan’s words did not effectively communicate his warmth.

Four tools are used to get points across in conversation: 1. body language and positioning 2. eye contact and facial expression 3. vocal inflection and intonation 4. words

Words are the least relevant. Of the four tools available to get Ethan’s sentiments across, the three containing the greatest percentage of the message were not on the page. Because he wrote in the language he spoke, Cassidy did not understand he was trying to be supportive. His goal was to urge her to agree or disagree with him and thus come to her own conclusion. She thought he was being a controlling jerk. Then Ethan looked at things she had written him and realized that some of the hurt he felt by her e-mails was caused by the same misunderstanding.

“I’ve experienced none of the problems you’ve mentioned with my friends via e-mail,” Ethan stated emphatically. “I guess we already know each other and how to take statements as they’re intended. Cassidy and I are having problems because we’re trying to get acquainted. That’s why I like the playful side of e-mails. When we’re playful, I’m open. When she gets serious, I feel defensive. Her questioning and suggestions may just as well be probing and demanding. I guess we both feel like that.” Don’t ya love when guys get it?

Not conversing, not letter writing. E-mail leaves much too much room for misinterpretation.

E-mail was designed to send short, information-based messages in business, academic, and government contexts. It can’t tarnish data. But if you delve into personal, intimate subjects, be careful.

The heart is a delicate place. Tread lightly. Use e-mail to speak of colors, textures, and sentiments. Be kind and gentle to one another in this domain. And in the end, the love you make is equal to the love you write.

E-mail Love Letter Guidelines

1. Write with the formality of a letter. Compose more carefully than you think you need to.
2. Wait before sending your letter. Put it in a word processing file, then re-read it at least once before you send it.
3. Begin by stating what you intend your lover to feel when reading the letter. Acknowledge that if they respond differently, the medium or your writing skill may be at fault. For example, “I want this letter to relieve your mind and to help you feel hopeful. If you don’t feel that way, I did not say things right.”
4. If you think a statement might be misconstrued or interpreted negatively, include another to explain it or soften it. Otherwise, leave it out. Words sound much stronger when left to their own devices. Even saying that you do not like something can appear harsh on a computer screen.
5. Start sentences with positive and endearing phrases such as: “I thought of you today when I did my laundry because your panties were right on top of the pile.” Or “I am grateful to have you in my life today because no matter how bad things are, I have thoughts of you to make me smile.” (Get a little mushy. It works.)
6. E-mail misunderstandings can blow up like grenades: you get hurt, write about it, and wait for a response before feeling resolution. Damage compounds over time and hurt feelings can escalate into all-out, flaming e-mail fights. Solution: be light and loving. Say the heavy stuff to her pretty face.
7. If, upon receiving your e-mail, your beloved is ready to buy a one way ticket to anywhere away from you, apologize! Take responsibility for screwing up. Do not let e-mail mishaps infiltrate your love. Use these mistakes to help you respect words and use them more effectively.
8. You don’t know the receiver’s state of mind when he reads your letter. Always write as if he is at his most stressed. This will make your letters upbeat, supportive, and a joy to receive.
9. Keep the above points in mind when reading e-mail. Your beloved may be communicating concern, while you’re bristling at feeling overly vulnerable or taken advantage of. Assume her intention is to be loving. Give the benefit of the doubt and ask for clarity if you do not understand a point.
10. Use this medium to accentuate loving feelings between you. Regard it as an opportunity to seduce, inspire, and motivate. Because you can build or destroy trust quickly with e-mail, go for the win?win. No one ever gets tired of true appreciation and e-mail can convey your joy beautifully.

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